Many people mistake detachment or non-clinging to be a form of aloofness or emotional disconnect from others.
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Zen Buddhist master, has some interesting advice about what it means to truly let go. Many people mistake detachment or non-clinging to be a form of aloofness or emotional disconnect from others, but as Hanh explains, truly letting go often means loving someone more than you have ever loved them before.
The Buddha taught that detachment, one of the disciplines on the Noble Path, also called ariyasaavaka, is not a physical act of withdrawal or even a form of austerity. Though the Buddha teaches of a “non-action which is an integral part of the Right Way,” if it is taken out of context it can give the impression that we should develop a lack of concern for others, and that we should live without truly feeling or expressing our emotions – cutting ourselves off from life
These type of misinterpretations are sadly common, since there are not always direct translations from the Pali language into English.
This form of “detachment” is an erroneous understanding of the Buddha’s message. Master Hanh states that to truly let go we must learn to love more completely. Non-attachment only happens when our love for another extends beyond our own personal expectations of gain, or our anticipation of a specific, desired outcome.
Hanh describes four forms of complete detachment, which surprisingly, aren’t about holding yourself up in a cave and ignoring everyone who has broken your heart, or ignoring your lust or desire for a romantic interest. This is not detachment. Letting go means diving in. For example:
Maitri (Not the Love You Know)
Hanh describes the importance of Maitri, not love as we normally understand in a Westernized use of the word. He states,
In other words, your detachment may come in accepting that certain things you would normally do to make another person feel loved and appreciated may not be what the person you are actively loving now, needs. Instead of forcing that behavior on another person, with an egoic intent to “please” them, you simply detach from that need in yourself and truly observe what makes another person feel comfortable, safe, and happy.
Hanh further explains,
Karuna (Compassion)
The next form of true detachment is compassion. When we let go, we don’t stop offering a compassionate touch, word, or need to help someone who is in pain. We also don’t expect to take their hurt or pain away. Compassion contains deep concern, though. It is not aloofness It is not isolation from others.
The Buddha smiles because he understands why pain and suffering exist and because he also knows how to transform it. You become more deeply involved in life when you become detached from the outcome, but this does not mean you don’t participate fully – even in others’ pain.
Gratitude and Joy
In truly letting go you practice gratitude. Mudita, or joy arises when we are overcome with gratitude for all that we have, such that we no longer cling to some other longed-for result. TheBuddha’s definition of joy is more like “Unselfish joy.” It means that we don’t only find happiness when something good happens to us, but when others find happiness.
If you’ve ever had to say goodbye to a love or friend so that they could continue on their life’s path – one that may not have continued to intertwine with your own – you may have felt pain when they found someone new to love, or made a new friend that seemed to take your place. This is not true detachment. Joy arises when you find happiness even when others find joy – and it has little or nothing to do with you.
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Upeksha (Equanimity)
Master Hanh describes the final quality of true love which sheds inordinate light on the true process of letting go.
He states,
Hanh explains that without this quality our love tends to become possessive – a stomping ground of the ego. We try to put our beloved in our pocket and carry them with us, when they are more like the wind, or a butterfly, or a stream, needing to move and flow, or risk dying. This is not loved, this is destruction.
For love to be true love, it must have elements of compassion, joy, and equanimity – and this is truly letting go.
The Art of Letting Go is Artless
The real secret is that letting go is not an art, it is an allowing, a being. A non-attached relationship is healthy, strong and filled with effortless love, kindness, and compassion. It is completely selfless because your sense of ‘self’ is no longer asserted in every situation. If you want to truly let go, you’ve got to love more, not less. This is the most common misunderstanding about this priceless teaching of the Buddha.
About the Author
Christina Sarich is a staff writer for Waking Times. She is a writer, musician, yogi, and humanitarian with an expansive repertoire. Her thousands of articles can be found all over the Internet, and her insights also appear in magazines as diverse as Weston A. Price, Nexus, Atlantis Rising, and the Cuyamungue Institute, among others. She was recently a featured author in the Journal, “Wise Traditions in Food, Farming, and Healing Arts,” and her commentary on healing, ascension, and human potential inform a large body of the alternative news lexicon. She has been invited to appear on numerous radio shows, including Health Conspiracy Radio, Dr. Gregory Smith’s Show, and dozens more. The second edition of her book, Pharma Sutra, will be released soon.
This article (A Zen Master Explains the Art of ‘Letting Go’, And It Isn’t What You Think) was originally created for The Mind Unleashed and is published here with permission. It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution and author bio.
Christina Sarich, Guest Waking Times